


Cute Delivery Guy, Extra Gay

by MrsRen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Dating Life Montage, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pizza Delivery Guy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 17:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19338988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsRen/pseuds/MrsRen
Summary: "Alright, so we have one pepperoni pizza with extra anchovies, extra cheese, one sausage pizza with peppers and onions, and extra cheese, and one cute delivery guy, extra gay. Anything else I can help you with?"James doesn't have a type. Until a dare causes him to realise he definitely does.





	Cute Delivery Guy, Extra Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frumpologist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frumpologist/gifts).



> I don't normally write Jeddy, but this is one of my absolute favorite ships, and a good friend encouraged me to give it a try. It was pretty nerve-wracking to write a slash fic, so please forgive me any errors or cliches. Grammarly was my beta. This little oneshot was born of me standing in Mazzios last night, and then getting super drunk.

 

* * *

James would never turn down a dare regardless of how ridiculous it was, or how badly it might embarrass him. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Albus took advantage of James's tendency to act first, and ask questions later.

James held the bottle of vodka by the neck, long having forgotten to use shot glasses like any civilised person. "Piss off, the both of you. I don't have a type."

His siblings sniggered, but it's Lily's stare that went straight through him. "Don't bullshite. You absolutely have a type." She said, her speech not slurred at all. Lily never drank to the point of passing out since she's the  _responsible_ one.

It's shite. James is responsible—sometimes.

"I don't." James insisted. "I fucking don't. I just have a bad taste in men apparently." He's begrudged to admit it, but it's not like he can hide that.

The last two of his relationships have gone sour, but to his credit, it wasn't completely his fault. Brad—just the  _name_  made him cringe and take another swig—was the silent type. Dark and brooding, which was hot for approximately 2.5 seconds before James was hit by the terrible realisation that underneath that 'mysterious' exterior was a man with no social skills, and one that absolutely hated going out.

It fizzled within a week. James, being the sort of man he was, wanted to go to clubs, dance, maybe give—or receive, he's not picky—a blowjob in a shitty bathroom stall. Also, Brad came home for one family dinner, and couldn't hack it. Most normal people couldn't. Not with a slew of Potter-Weasley's around.

And then there was David. By the third date, James thought he was fun. They went out, met strangers, drank far more than anyone ever should, but by the fourth date, James realised David was fucking mental.

"Are you seriously hosting a montage of your shite dating life in your head right now?" Albus snapped. "That will take forever, dickweed."

"Fuck you." James shot back.

Lily laughed loudly, leaning back. "At least tell us what you're thinking. I think we deserve the entertainment."

"Bet it's that bloke with the buck teeth or the one with the crooked eye." Albus took a long drink, spluttering as he pulled the offending liquor away from himself. "God, that's terrible. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don't we just get high, and throw this in the trash."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You forgot to buy weed."

"I didn't forget," Albus sobered up. "Scorpius nicked it for himself."

James was still irritated with that. "Don't make fun of Wyatt's teeth. He was self-conscious about them!  _And_ it's not Devin's fault his eye is crooked, it was an accident." Both of those boyfriends hadn't gone well either, but still. "No, I was remembering how David was—"

Albus spluttered. "Oh, I forgot about him!"

"You did?" Lily asked. "It was only last month, Albus. God, I wish I could have videoed Dad's reaction. He looked like he was going to stroke out."

It wasn't nearly as bad as they made it sound, which was exactly what James said.

"James," Lily said slowly, softly, as if he were four years old and he'd done something tremendously stupid. "You were arrested for possession of  _heroin._ "

"It's not like it was my heroin!"

"That's what they always say when they get caught. Lils, where did we go so wrong? He's normally just fucking stupid, and irritating, not—"

James smacked Albus with the sequin side of a decorative pillow as hard as he could. It left a large red mark in the same pattern. "It's a milestone the first time you have to call your dad to bail you out, isn't it?"

"No, a milestone is typically considered as graduating from uni, getting married, having a baby… You know, those sorts of things." Lily was always flippant when it came to giving James shite. "Don't you dare—"

He smacked her with the pillow, sending her designer sunglasses halfway across the wood floor. "Like I said, not my heroin."

"I'll give you that." Albus conceded. "But what about the fact that David got another chance, and while you were at his house, it was raided for drugs?"

James's face grew hot and he pulled on his collar. "We don't talk about that."

Albus sniggered. "We definitely  _do._  What about how Dad was leading the raid or the fact that he scolded you in the middle of an official police raid?"

Lily swayed side to side, taking the bottle from Albus. "Oh yes, Jamie. Let's unpack that. What was Dad thinking?"

Ever the helpful brother, Albus was there with the answer. "Probably something like," he cleared his throat before launching into a scarily accurate imitation of their father, "James Sirius Potter, I knew you were fucking dumb, but I didn't know you were this fucking dumb. Don't arrest my son—actually do arrest him, and let him think about his actions overnight."

It was true. Their father was nice enough to put James in a holding cell that didn't have his drug dealer boyfriend in it but was certainly content enough to allow him to stay the night in jail.

"The adult version of a time out. When was the last time you had a timeout, Albus? I think I was seven." Lily drawled.

James smacked himself with the pillow. Could he suffocate himself with it? Probably not, but Albus would do the honours if he asked. "If we're going to talk about my love life, maybe we should talk about both of yours. Hey Lily, how big is Scorpius's dick?"

Albus's mouth fell open. "We agreed not to talk about that!"

Lily's cheeks flushed red. "Low blow, James!"

"Learn a lot about blowing with Scorpius, Lily?"

"Oi, that's my  _boyfriend!_ "

Their sister quietly cleared her throat. "Not that we did  _anything,_ but it's adequate. I've had larger."

James couldn't stop laughing as Albus choked. "It's more than adequate."

Lily replied, "If you say so. I mean, I only saw it, and I didn't mean to, and we're never getting drunk again!" Every time she drank with them, they were reminded that she had a loose tongue. "Sorry I said your boyfriend has a small dick."

"It's not small!"

James clapped his hands together. "Alright, I'm starving. Do you want pizza? I'll buy." He climbed to his feet, grabbing his mobile off the counter. "The normal?"

"Make it two pizzas, extra cheese," Lily called from her spot as she sprawled across his floor.

"You're lactose intolerant."

She flung her arm over her eyes. "I love cheese."

"Yeah," James said, "well, it doesn't love you." He hopped onto the counter, crossing his legs at the ankles as he searched for the phone number.

"Wait," Albus said, and James doesn't like the mischievous look in his eyes one bit. "I dare you to ask for their cutest delivery guy. Bonus points if he's gay."

"That's not even a good dare!" James snorted. "Yeah, whatever you say, Al." He tapped the number, lifting the phone to his ear.

"Thank you for calling Pepper-Up Pizzeria. This is Teddy, how may I help you?"

In the background, a pan crashed to the floor. "Yeah, can I place a delivery order for two pizzas? One pepperoni with extra anchovies, extra cheese, and.."

"Anchovies are disgusting, James!"

He pulled the phone away from his ear. "Fuck you, Lily. I'm paying. Sorry, where was I? Right, that's all for the first one. Can I get a sausage pizza for the second? Add peppers, extra cheese, and onions for my gross sister."

"You're such a twat-face!"

Teddy on the other end of the line chuckled. "Yeah, I'll put the order in for you. Address, please?"

James rattled it off, and Albus was growing impatient on the sofa while he waited for James to complete the dare.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

James cleared his throat. "Yeah, can I make a request?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Can you send your cutest delivery guy?"

Teddy snorted after a long silence. "Sure, anything else I should know?"

"Well, gay if you have it."

The man took it in stride despite his sibling's roaring laughter in the background. "Alright, so we have one pepperoni pizza with extra anchovies, extra cheese, one sausage pizza with peppers and onions, and extra cheese, and one cute delivery guy, extra gay. Anything else I can help you with?"

"No, that will do." James read off his credit card number before hanging up. "Estimated delivery is in twenty minutes."

* * *

Lily was starting to fall asleep in front of the telly, but she perked up when the doorbell rang. "Maybe he'll be cute enough to break the cycle of your delinquent boyfriends."

James stood, wiping his palms on his jeans. "I'm not going to date the pizza delivery guy."

Immediately after opening the door, James wanted to eat his words. His eyes widened. "Hello."  _What a fucking lame thing to say._

"Hi," He said brightly. The man in front of him had bright turquoise hair that he wanted to run his fingers through, and there were five piercings in his right ear. "Alright, so we have…"

James didn't actually hear the man reading off his order since he was too busy staring at him. A head taller than him, which James liked, he was fit. "Thanks." James managed, his voice still strangled and embarrassing.

Somehow the man winking at him only made it even worse as James's cock twitched in his pants. "Have a good night."

* * *

At twenty-two, James thought he was over crushes, over sudden infatuations that wormed their way into his head, striking up a vacancy and refusing to leave.

That wasn't the case after Albus's dare. James's head was constantly returning to the man who'd stood on his doorstep, bright blue hair and so many piercings that James wanted to know if he had any in other places.

James called while holding his breath.

It was the same guy that answered as the weekend before. "Thank you for calling Pepper-Up Pizzeria. This is Teddy, how may I help you?"

"Hi, can I place a delivery order for a pepperoni pizza, extra anchovies?"

"Yeah, let me ring that up." Just as the last time he'd answered, Teddy was patient as James rattled off his mobile number for his account, and his address.

Fuck, he wasn't nervous over this. Yet his palms were sweaty anyway.

"Do you want to use the card saved on file ending in five-five-two-five?"

"That'd be great."

"Perfect, see you in twenty minutes."

As James hung up, his eyes widened with realization and he dumped his mobile into the sink—the one that was still full of soapy water. "Tits!" James fished it out of the water, but it wouldn't turn back on.

Of course, Teddy's voice was somewhat familiar since he'd taken his order once already, but that wasn't the only reason.

He was the fucking pizza delivery guy.

* * *

Over the course of two weeks, James ordered pizza ten times. He was certain he would never look at, much less eat, a pepperoni pizza with anchovies ever again in his life.

So when Lily stopped by with one before she left for a long weekend with her boyfriend, James wanted to gag. She hadn't asked why, and he hadn't volunteered any explanation.

It was growing absurd. He either needed to make a move on the delivery guy—Teddy was his name—or let this infatuation go because he was bordering on creepy.

Either Teddy thought he wanted to fuck him—which alright, he  _did,_ but James also wanted to actually talk to him first—or that he was a fucking stalker. Or maybe Teddy just thought James was fat, and that bothered James even more than being a stalker.

But then James found him on Owlr and super matched him before he even considered what would come next.

_Mother fucking fuck fuck fuck._

Owlr would reveal just who had super liked him.

James could work with that.

Maybe.

* * *

 _Aren't you supposed to be ordering a pepperoni pizza with anchovies right now?_ That was the message waiting for him half-past six while he watched trashy reality shows on the telly.

His stomach dropped as he viewed it, knowing that Teddy knew he'd read it as well.

_Tbh, I'm kind of over pizza now._

_Yeah? That happens when you eat it fifteen times in two weeks._

_It was ten._

_Nah. You ordered it twice a couple of days. Sorry to hear I won't be seeing you then._

James tilted his head to the side while staring at the message.  _Are you working?_

_Every fucking night. Can't wait to get out of this place._

_When do you get off?_

_Twenty minutes._

James but his lower lip as his mind formed an idea. On one hand, it would be hilarious, depending on Teddy's reaction. Also possibly completely, utterly mortifying if he'd only super liked James's profile to tease him about his pizza addiction.

_Did you only message me so you could give me shite?_

The response came in an instant.  _No, it's because you're hot. Plus, I don't even normally deliver pizzas._

_You...don't?_

_I just take orders over the phone. You asked for a gay guy, which we have two, but I'm better looking than Marcus._

_You mean to tell me that you've been delivering pizzas because you thought I was hot?_

_That sums it up._

_I've been ordering pizzas because I thought YOU were hot._

Teddy sent a series of laughing slash crying emojis.  _I feel like this is the most money anyone's ever 'spent' on me._

_That's a fucking shame._

James made the call, grinning so wide his cheeks hurt.

_Gotta go, customer is calling._

_Have fun with that._

"Hello, thank you for calling Pepper-Up Pizzeria. This is Teddy, how may I help you?"

James cleared his throat. "Hi, can I get a delivery order for one cute delivery guy, extra gay?"

There was silence. Had Teddy dropped the phone? Maybe James was too forward and he'd already fucked this up. "Hey, I'm leaving for the night! Grandma fell down her stairs, and can't get up." Teddy yelled and the line went dead.

_You're cheeky._

James grinned.

* * *

When the knock came at the door, James slipped on a rug and busted his arse. Quickly climbing back to his feet, he ripped the door open. "Hi."

Teddy smirked, and James was fucked. Stepping inside, Teddy kicked the door shut behind him, cupping James's face and pressing his lips to his harshly. Teddy's fingers pressed into the small of his back, tracing small circles as he walked James toward the sofa.

When his back met the back of the sofa, his hands found Teddy's hips while he straddled his waist. "Fuck." James whispered.

Teddy's fingers were in his hair, his nails scratching James's scalp. "Glad you don't taste like anchovies."

James felt the smile against his lips. "Oh, fuck off." He laughed.

As Teddy shifted his weight, his cock pressed against James.

"Oh, God," James groaned.

"I don't shag on the first date." Teddy whispered.

"Get in my car and I'll take you on six goddamn dates right now." James rasped as Teddy's hand slid between their bodies.

Teddy pressed his lips to James's throat, slowly moving toward his clavicle. "Six?" He echoed. "Haven't you spent enough on getting to see me?"

James was never going to live it down. "Don't care."

By the time they parted, James thought he was going to come in his pants from Teddy stroking him through the denim.

Teddy's lips were bruised, his hair fucked and standing in every direction. "Question."

James let his head fall to the back of the sofa. "Answer, pizza guy."

"Why is the name on your credit car different than your Owlr profile?" Teddy's fingers crept across the cushion and threaded through James's.

" _That's_ what you're thinking of right now?" James snorted. "What do you mean? My credit card says James Sirius…" he trailed off, his face draining of colour. "Oh my fucking God, I used my brother's credit card the first night. I was drunk."

"Believe me, I know." Teddy laughed. "So...you charged a hundred and fifty pounds to your brother's card in the last few weeks."

James ran a hand down his face. "I'll deal with that when he gets the statement. On the bright side…"

Teddy shifted closer to him, his knee bumping James's. He propped his head up, resting his elbow beside James's head. "What's that?"

"Well, I can take you on those six dates now."

Teddy leaned forward, his lips skimming James's cheek. "What do you have in mind?"

A lot of snogging, for one.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'd definitely love to know what you thought!


End file.
